What I Meant to Say

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<<set $name to "Ari">> <<set $home to "Ostra">> <<set $pronouns to "she/her">> <<set $meanings to { "sa": "yes", "nem": "no", "kiva": "good", "ke": "what?", "lo": "I, me", "tu": "you", "toli": "same" }>> <<set $talked to {}>> <<set $uncleJab to false>> <<set $known to ["sa", "nem", "kiva", "ke", "lo", "tu", "toli"]>> <<set $picks to {}>> <<set $clicked to []>> <<set $said to []>> <<set $earlyQ to false>>

<<phrasebooktoggle>> <<musictoggle>>

<<yearcaption>>

<div class="title-screen"> <h1>What I Meant to Say</h1> <p class="lede">Four years at a university abroad, in four short scenes. Everyone there speaks Velen, an invented language. Your own first language appears as English.</p> <label for="textbox-name">What should people call you?</label> <<textbox "$name" $name>> <label for="textbox-pronouns">Your pronouns</label> <<textbox "$pronouns" $pronouns>> <p class="note">Write them however you like, for example she/her, he/him, they/them, or xe/xem.</p> <p class="note">You’re from Ostra. When people talk, you’ll see what’s going on inside your head, and the handful of words you actually have. Tap or drag them into the box, then press Say it, or Enter. On timed moments, whatever you’ve built is said when time runs out.</p> <p class="note">In Settings you can turn on a Phrasebook of every Velen word you know (it starts off), and change relaxed timing (it starts on).</p> <p class="note">There’s quiet background music. You can turn it off in the sidebar, or change the volume in Settings.</p> <p class="note">Content note: the story includes microaggressions, being left out and spoken over, and homesickness. Some moments are timed on purpose. The pressure is meant to feel uncomfortable, and running out of time is part of the story, not a failure.</p> <<proceed "Year 1" "Begin">> </div>

<div class="interlude"> <p class="yearword">Freshman</p> <p class="yearsub">The Walk</p> <p>It’s orientation week. You’ve been in the country four days. Everyone around you speaks Velen, and you know about seven words of it.</p> <<proceed "F1" "Start walking">> </div>

<<card "F1" "Introductions">> <<tip>>How to play: click an underlined word you know to see it in English. Words you don’t know stay in Velen. Then tap or drag words into the box and press Say it, or Enter. This card has no timer. From the next one on, whatever is in the box is said when time runs out.<</tip>> <<narrate>>Your orientation leader, Jay, is walking a group of new students to Vesh Burger.<</narrate>> <<line "Jay">>“Okei okei! Dumo velak Vesh Burger, ama ama! Twenti-faiv minuta, <<w "brask" "awesome">>?”<</line>> <<narrate>>The group cheers. A girl falls into step beside you.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri">>“<<w "Lo" "I">> Teri! <<w "Tu" "You">>? <<w "Ke" "What">> <<w "tu" "you">> vasheni?”<</line>> <<thought "feel">>jet-lagged · nervous · hoping to make a friend<</thought>> <<speak 0>> <<bank "lo, @name, @home, sa, nem, kiva, ke?, tu, toli" "smile and nod">> <<atleast 1>>F1 Spoke <<otherwise>>F1 Nod <</speak>>

<<said>> <<line "Teri">>“Ooh! <<w "Kiva" "Good">>! Ostu marelo dan vesk, <<w "ke" "what">>?”<</line>> <<narrate>>Before you can answer, a guy cuts in, and Teri turns to him.<</narrate>> <<proceed "F2" "Keep walking">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>Teri smiles, waits a moment, then turns to the guy on her other side.<</narrate>> <<proceed "F2" "Keep walking">>

<<card "F2" "The Slang">> <<narrate>>Marcus tells a story with his hands. The group explodes laughing.<</narrate>> <<line "Marcus">>“Osh ramo velin, <<w "lo" "I">> fenda <<w "tu" "you">> dorma, nofa nofa <<w "kiva" "good">>!”<</line>> <<line "Everyone">>“Nofa! <<w "Brask" "Awesome">>, <<w "brask" "awesome">>, BRASK!”<</line>> <<line "Teri">>“Brask-a velen <<w "tu" "you">> marosh, ha!”<</line>> <<thought "feel">>lost · left out · wanting to laugh along<</thought>> <<speak 10>> <<bank "sa, nem, kiva, ke?, lo, tu, toli" "laugh, smile and nod">> <<when "ke?">>F2 Ask <<when "laugh">>F2 Laugh <<silence>>F2 Silent <<otherwise>>F2 Try <</speak>>

<<said>> <<learn "brask" "awesome" "quiet">> <<line "Teri" "slow">>“<<w "Brask" "Awesome">>… <<w "kiva" "good">>-<<w "kiva" "good">>-<<w "kiva" "good">>!”<</line>> <<narrate>>She gives you a thumbs up. By the time she’s done, the group is half a block ahead.<</narrate>> <<learn "brask" "awesome">> <<include "F2 After">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>Nobody notices. You laugh a second too long.<</narrate>> <<include "F2 After">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>A pause.<</narrate>> <<line "Marcus">>“Ha… <<w "sa" "yes">>.”<</line>> <<narrate>>A polite laugh. Wrong moment.<</narrate>> <<include "F2 After">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The laughter fades. The group moves ahead.<</narrate>> <<include "F2 After">>

<<narrate>>You end up walking at the back.<</narrate>> <<proceed "F3" "Keep walking">>

<<card "F3" "What Do You Think?">> <<narrate>>The group is arguing about something. Teri turns around and points at you.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri">>“<<w "Tu" "You">>! <<w "Ke" "What">> <<w "tu" "you">> menda? Dorma ama, <<w "kiva" "good">> o <<w "nem" "no">>?”<</line>> <<narrate>>You catch “food” from her gesture, and good or no.<</narrate>> <<thought "feel">>put on the spot · homesick · unsure<</thought>> <<speak 10>> <<bank "sa, nem, kiva, ke?, lo, tu, toli, brask*" "shrug">> <<negated "kiva">>F3 Nem <<when "kiva">>F3 Kiva <<when "nem">>F3 Nem <<silence>>F3 Silent <<otherwise>>F3 Other <</speak>>

<<said>> <<line "Teri">>“<<w "Kiva" "Good">>?! Ha! <<w "Nem" "No">>, <<w "nem" "no">>!”<</line>> <<narrate>>Everyone laughs. You picked the unpopular side. The topic changes.<</narrate>> <<proceed "F4" "Keep walking">>

<<said>> <<line "Teri">>“<<w "Sa" "Yes">>! <<w "Toli" "Same">>!”<</line>> <<narrate>>Marcus high-fives you. Then the topic changes.<</narrate>> <<proceed "F4" "Keep walking">>

<<said>> <<line "Teri">>“…Okei! Anyway…”<</line>> <<proceed "F4" "Keep walking">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>Teri tilts her head, smiles, and turns back to the argument.<</narrate>> <<proceed "F4" "Keep walking">>

<<card "F4" "The Secret Menu">> <<narrate>>At the counter, Teri orders ahead of you, fast.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri">>“Dobla Vesh, frelo-style, extra mosh!”<</line>> <<narrate>>There’s a long line behind you. The fryer hisses.<</narrate>> <<line "Cashier">>“<<w "Ke" "What">> <<w "tu" "you">> fen? Dobla, frelo, mosh, o…?”<</line>> <<thought "feel">>rushed · hungry · out of words<</thought>> <<speak 10>> <<bank "sa, nem, kiva, ke?, lo, tu, toli, brask*" "point at Teri, point at the menu">> <<when "toli" "point at Teri">>F4 Same <<when "point at the menu">>F4 Point <<when "ke?">>F4 Ke <<silence>>F4 Silent <<otherwise>>F4 Other <</speak>>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The cashier nods.<</narrate>> <<include "F4 After">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The cashier nods, says something long, and punches something in.<</narrate>> <<include "F4 After">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The cashier repeats it faster and sighs.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You say, “<<w "Toli" "Same">>.”<</narrate>> <<include "F4 After">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The cashier looks past you at Teri.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri">>“<<w "Toli" "Same">>!”<</line>> <<narrate>>She orders for you.<</narrate>> <<include "F4 After">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The cashier waits, then nods at Teri’s tray and punches something in.<</narrate>> <<include "F4 After">>

<<narrate>>Every way of ordering gets you the same thing: a burger covered in something orange. You take a bite. It’s spicy, the kind you can’t eat. You eat it anyway.<</narrate>> <<proceed "F-End" "Walk back">>

<<card "F-End" "The Walk Back">> <<narrate>>The walk back is slower, and it’s dark out. Teri walks beside you. She holds up her orange burger, then points at yours, and says it slowly, just for you.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri" "slow">>“<<w "Tu" "You">>, <<w "lo" "me">>… <<w "toli" "same">>. <<w "Kiva" "Good">>?”<</line>> <<narrate>>For the first time all night, you understand every word.<</narrate>> <<speak 0>> <<bank "sa, kiva, nem, toli, lo, tu, brask*" "smile">> <<otherwise>>F-End Said <</speak>>

<<said>> <<narrate>>It’s the most fluent you’ve felt all week.<</narrate>> <<proceed "Year 2" "Next year">>

<div class="interlude"> <p class="yearword">Sophomore</p> <p class="yearsub">The Seminar</p> <p>You understand most of what people say now, so it reaches you in English, shown in blue. What you can say is still short and simple. The class is discussing a novel by an author named Ferro.</p> <<learn "dasu" "tired">> <p>You’ve been saying it a lot.</p> <<proceed "S1" "Go to class">> </div>

<<card "S1" "Before Class">> <<line "Priya" "blue">>“Hey, did you do the reading? Honestly, the second half made me so <<w "grenna">>.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You understood every word but one. It’s the one that matters.<</narrate>> <<thought "struck">>Yes. The second half was dense, but the part about memory was beautiful.<</thought>> <<choose 10 "What do you do with “grenna”?">> <<option "Guess from context" "“Me too! So happy.”" "guess">>S1 Guess <<option "Ask what it means" "“What is grenna?”" "ask">>S1 Ask <<option "Let it slip" "“Yeah.”" "slip">>S1 Slip <<silence>>S1 Silent <</choose>>

<<line "Priya" "blue">>“…Happy? No, <<w "grenna">> is like, frustrated.”<</line>> <<narrate>>She laughs, a little unsure.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: Wrong guess. Wrong side again.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S1b" "Find a seat">>

<<learn "grenna" "frustrated, but kind of in a fun way" "quiet">> <<line "Priya" "blue">>“Oh! Like, frustrated, but kind of in a fun way? It’s just a word.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: Now I know. But we’re talking about the word now, not the book.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S1b" "Find a seat">>

<<line "Priya" "blue">>“Right? Which part made you <<w "grenna">>?”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: Now I have to answer a question built on a word I don’t know.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>The professor walks in before you have to. You’re relieved, and then you’re not.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S1b" "Find a seat">>

<<line "Priya" "blue">>“…Anyway, see you in there.”<</line>> <<proceed "S1b" "Find a seat">>

<<card "S1b" "The Word">> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Ferro wrote the second half in exile, so you can read the whole book as an <<w "orvelle">> for the city she left. Does that reading work for you?”<</line>> <<narrate>>She’s looking at you. Twelve people are waiting.<</narrate>> <<thought "struck">>I think it works, and it connects to the memory scenes. But everything depends on what that one word means.<</thought>> <<choose 10 "What do you do with “orvelle”?">> <<option "Guess from context" "“Yes. It is… a happy book, for the city.”" "guess">>S1b Guess <<option "Ask what it means" "“Sorry, what is orvelle?”" "ask">>S1b Ask <<option "Let it slip" "Nod. “Yes.”" "slip">>S1b Slip <<silence>>S1b Silent <</choose>>

<<line "Professor" "blue">>“An <<w "orvelle">> is a mourning poem, actually. But happy is interesting. Hold on to that.”<</line>> <<narrate>>She says it kindly. A classmate smiles down at the desk.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: She’s being nice about it. That’s almost worse.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S2" "Keep listening">>

<<learn "orvelle" "a poem of mourning" "quiet">> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Good question. It’s a poem of mourning, for something you’ve lost. So, does it work for you?”<</line>> <<narrate>>Two people glance at the clock. You manage, “Yes. It works. Because… memory.”<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Mm, good.”<</line>> <<narrate>>She turns to someone else. You think: Now I understand. A minute too late.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S2" "Keep listening">>

<<line "Professor" "blue">>“Great.”<</line>> <<narrate>>She moves on. In the next ten minutes, <<w "orvelle">> comes up four more times.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: Every time, I fall a little further behind.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S2" "Keep listening">>

<<line "Professor" "blue">>“…Okay. Anyone else?”<</line>> <<proceed "S2" "Keep listening">>

<<card "S2" "The Question">> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“So, why does Ferro end with the <<w "vessa">> forgetting her own name? What’s that doing?”<</line>> <<narrate>>You know the answer. You can feel it.<</narrate>> <<thought "struck">>Because forgetting her name is the moment she stops performing for everyone else. It’s freedom, not loss.<</thought>> <<speak 10 "raise">> <<bank "she, forget, forgetting, name, is, free, freedom, not, sad, stop, because, people" "write it down">> <<when "raise hand">>S2 Raised <<when "write it down">>S2 Notebook <<silence>>S2 Silent <<otherwise>>S2 Head <</speak>>

<<said>> <<narrate>>Your hand goes halfway up while you’re still building the sentence.<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Hold that thought. Daniel?”<</line>> <<include "S2 Daniel">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>You get it almost ready. Daniel’s hand goes up first.<</narrate>> <<include "S2 Daniel">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>You write it perfectly. Daniel’s hand goes up.<</narrate>> <<include "S2 Daniel">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>Daniel’s hand goes up.<</narrate>> <<include "S2 Daniel">>

<<line "Daniel" "blue">>“I think it’s kind of freeing? Like, she stops performing for everyone.”<</line>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Yes! Exactly that. Great point, Daniel.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: That was mine.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S3" "Keep listening">>

<<card "S3" "Build On It">> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Anyone want to build on Daniel’s point?”<</line>> <<thought "struck">>Yes. It connects to the mirror scene in chapter two, where she can’t recognize herself either. The book was building to this the whole time.<</thought>> <<speak 10>> <<bank "same, idea, I, think, chapter, two, mirror, she, not, know, herself, also" "">> <<when "mirror" "chapter">>S3 Connect <<silence>>S3 Silent <<otherwise>>S3 Same <</speak>>

<<said>> <<narrate>>A pause.<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Oh, that’s a nice connection. Say more?”<</line>> <<narrate>>You can’t, not fast enough. “Just… connection.”<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Okay! Good.”<</line>> <<proceed "S3b" "Class ends">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>A classmate smirks.<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Mm, sure.”<</line>> <<proceed "S3b" "Class ends">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The discussion moves on without you.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S3b" "Class ends">>

<<card "S3b" "Before She Goes">> <<narrate>>Class ends. You go up to the front to finish your thought. The professor is already packing her bag.<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Oh, the mirror person! Quick, I have another class across campus. Go.”<</line>> <<thought "struck">>It connects to the mirror scene in chapter two. She can’t recognize herself there either. The book was building to this the whole time.<</thought>> <<speak 5>> <<bank "the, mirror, chapter, two, she, can’t, see, herself, also, same, book, building, to, this, end, I, think" "">> <<when "mirror" "chapter" "herself">>S3b Mirror <<atleast 1>>S3b Other <<silence>>S3b Silent <</speak>>

<<said>> <<if setup.saidCount() gte 6>> <<narrate>>She stops, one arm in her coat.<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Oh, that’s good. The mirror. Put that in your paper.”<</line>> <<narrate>>She’s out the door before you can answer, but she said it.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: She heard me. For once, the sentence got there.<</narrate>> <<else>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“The mirror, yes, good. Sorry, I’m late. Email me?”<</line>> <<narrate>>She’s gone. You think: Half of it got through.<</narrate>> <</if>> <<proceed "S4" "Next week">>

<<said>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Mm-hm. Sorry, I really have to run.”<</line>> <<narrate>>The door swings shut behind her. You think: That wasn’t even the part I meant.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S4" "Next week">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>By the time your sentence is ready, she’s gone.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: Next time.<</narrate>> <<proceed "S4" "Next week">>

<<card "S4" "After Class">> <<narrate>>The next week, the professor stops you at the door.<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Hey, I’d love to hear from you more in discussion. You’re always taking so many notes.”<</line>> <<thought "struck">>I want to talk. I think fast, but I speak slow. By the time my sentence is ready, the moment is gone.<</thought>> <<speak 0>> <<bank "yes, I, will, try, think, fast, speak, slow, but, sorry, dasu*" "nod">> <<when "slow" "fast">>S4 Honest <<otherwise>>S4 Try <</speak>>

<<said>> <<set $earlyQ to true>> <<narrate>>The professor stops.<</narrate>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Oh. Would it help if I sent the discussion questions the night before?”<</line>> <<narrate>>Next week, the questions arrive the night before.<</narrate>> <<proceed "Year 3" "Next year">>

<<said>> <<line "Professor" "blue">>“Great! See you Thursday.”<</line>> <<proceed "Year 3" "Next year">>

<div class="interlude"> <p class="yearword">Junior</p> <p class="yearsub">The Compliment</p> <p>Everything is in English now. Nothing you say is crossed out. You have every word. The only question is what you choose to say.</p> <<if $earlyQ>><p>The discussion questions still come the night before. You talk in seminar most weeks now.</p><</if>> <p>Teri has been your closest friend since that first walk to Vesh Burger. Tonight is her birthday party.</p> <<proceed "J0" "Get ready">> </div>

<<card "J0" "The Text">> <<narrate>>Before the party, your phone buzzes. It’s Mom, in your first language.<</narrate>> <<textreply "J1" "Go to the party">>

<<card "J1" "So Good!">> <<narrate>>Greg, a friend of Teri’s roommate you’ve only ever said hi to, starts chatting with you.<</narrate>> <<line "Greg" "blue">>“Wait, I hear an accent! Your Velen is so good, though!”<</line>> <<thought "plain">>Thanks. I’ve lived here three years. I take all my classes in Velen. I dream in it sometimes.<</thought>> <<choose 0 "What do you say?">> <<option "“Oh, thank you!”" "" "thanks">>J1 Thanks <<option "“I’ve had some practice.”" "with a smile" "practice">>J1 Practice <<option "“Thanks. I’ve lived here three years, and I take all my classes in Velen.”" "" "years">>J1 Years <</choose>>

<<line "Greg" "blue">>“Seriously, so good! Better than mine, ha.”<</line>> <<include "J1 After">>

<<line "Greg" "blue">>“Ha, clearly!”<</line>> <<include "J1 After">>

<<line "Greg" "blue">>“Oh. Whoa. Okay, respect.”<</line>> <<narrate>>The compliment lands differently now.<</narrate>> <<include "J1 After">>

<<narrate>>You notice you’ve flattened your accent a little, without deciding to.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J2" "Keep talking">>

<<card "J2" "Really From">> <<line "Greg" "blue">>“So where are you from? Like, really from?”<</line>> <<narrate>>Teri is close enough to hear.<</narrate>> <<thought "plain">>I’m from @home. And I’m also from here now. Why is that the first thing you want to know?<</thought>> <<choose 0 "What do you say?">> <<option "“@home.”" "" "home">>J2 Home <<option "“Here, now. This is my third year.”" "" "here">>J2 Here <<option "“Where are you really from?”" "with a smile" "back">>J2 Back <</choose>>

<<line "Greg" "blue">>“Oh, cool! I’ve always wanted to go. Is it true that everyone there…”<</line>> <<narrate>>He finishes the question with a stereotype. Before you can decide whether to answer it, his friend walks up.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J3" "Keep talking">>

<<line "Greg" "blue">>“No, but like, originally.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You tell him: @home. He nods, like that settles it.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: It doesn’t settle anything.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J3" "Keep talking">>

<<narrate>>A beat. Teri laughs, out loud, on your side.<</narrate>> <<line "Greg" "blue">>“Ha. Okay. Fair.”<</line>> <<proceed "J3" "Keep talking">>

<<card "J3" "Slow and Loud">> <<narrate>>Greg’s friend walks up. Greg introduces you, suddenly speaking very slowly and loudly.<</narrate>> <<line "Greg" "blue">>“THIS… IS… MY… NEW… FRIEND. @THEY… @IS… FROM… <<= $home.toUpperCase()>>.”<</line>> <<thought "plain">>I understand you perfectly. You were speaking normally to me five minutes ago.<</thought>> <<choose 0 "What do you do?">> <<option "Laugh it off" "" "A">>J3b <<option "Keep talking at your normal speed, and let them notice" "" "B">>J3b <<option "“You can talk normal speed. I’ve got it.”" "smiling" "C">>J3b <</choose>>

<<card "J3b" "The First-Year">> <<narrate>>Near the snacks, a first-year stands at the edge of the group, smiling and nodding a second too long. You know that smile.<</narrate>> <<line "Marcus" "blue">>“…and then he just walks into the lake. Brask, brask, BRASK!”<</line>> <<narrate>>Everyone laughs. The first-year laughs too, a beat late.<</narrate>> <<thought "plain">>I know exactly where you are right now.<</thought>> <<choose 0 "What do you do?">> <<option "“Hi, I’m @name. ‘Brask’ just means awesome.”" "" "explain">>J3b Explain <<option "Say it slowly, just for them: “Tu, lo… toli.”" "" "slow">>J3b Slow <<option "“Marcus, tell it again. Slower.”" "" "again">>J3b Again <</choose>>

<<narrate>>The first-year lets out a breath.<</narrate>> <<line "First-year" "blue slow">>“Oh. Okay. Brask.”<</line>> <<narrate>>They say it carefully, the way you once did. Then they ask where you’re from, and you both answer slowly, and it’s fine.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: Three years ago, this was me. Now I’m the one who knows the word.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J4" "Later">>

<<narrate>>The first-year looks at you, then laughs. A real one this time.<</narrate>> <<line "First-year" "blue slow">>“Toli.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: Teri did this for me once.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J4" "Later">>

<<narrate>>Marcus rolls his eyes, grinning, and tells it again, slower. This time the first-year laughs at the right moment.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>You think: I didn’t need a single word I didn’t have.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J4" "Later">>

<<card "J4" "Overheard">> <<set _v to $picks["J3"]>> <<narrate>>Late, on the way out. Behind you, Greg says to his friend:<</narrate>> <<if _v is "A">> <<line "Greg" "blue faded">>“@Theyre so sweet.”<</line>> <<elseif _v is "B">> <<line "Greg" "blue faded">>“Huh. @Theyre way more fluent than I thought.”<</line>> <<else>> <<line "Greg" "blue faded">>“Okay, @theyre funny. Like, funny for someone still learning.”<</line>> <</if>> <<narrate>>Before you can turn around, Teri does.<</narrate>> <<if _v is "A">> <<line "Teri" "blue">>“Sweet? @Theyre the sharpest person in our seminar. Honestly, @theyre basically one of us.”<</line>> <<elseif _v is "B">> <<line "Teri" "blue">>“Greg. @Theyve been here three years. @Theyre more fluent than you. Honestly, @theyre basically one of us.”<</line>> <<else>> <<line "Teri" "blue">>“‘Still learning’? @Theyve been here three years. Honestly, @theyre basically one of us.”<</line>> <</if>> <<line "Greg" "blue">>“Whoa, okay. I didn’t mean anything by it.”<</line>> <<narrate>>He says it to Teri. Everyone is looking at you, or at Teri. You can’t tell which.<</narrate>> <<thought "plain">>Thank you. Also, I can talk. Also, I’m not “basically” anything.<</thought>> <<choose 10 "What do you say?">> <<option "Say nothing. Let Teri finish it." "" "quiet">>J4 Quiet <<option "“Teri, it’s okay.”" "" "okay">>J4 Okay <<option "“I’m right here, you know.”" "to Greg" "here">>J4 Here <<option "“I’m not one of you, actually. I’m from @home too.”" "" "from">>J4 From <<silence>>J4 Silent <</choose>>

<<line "Greg" "blue">>“Sorry, Teri.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: He apologized to her.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J-End" "Walk home">>

<<line "Teri" "blue">>“It’s not okay?”<</line>> <<narrate>>She sounds stung. She drops it, but her jaw stays tight.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J-End" "Walk home">>

<<narrate>>Greg turns to you for the first time.<</narrate>> <<line "Greg" "blue">>“Yeah. Sorry. That was weird of me.”<</line>> <<proceed "J-End" "Walk home">>

<<narrate>>Teri blinks.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri" "blue">>“I meant it as a compliment.”<</line>> <<narrate>>“I know.”<</narrate>> <<proceed "J-End" "Walk home">>

<<narrate>>Teri has already pulled you toward the stairs. The moment ended before you picked a side of it.<</narrate>> <<proceed "J-End" "Walk home">>

<<card "J-End" "The Walk Home">> <<set _p to $picks["J4"]>> <<narrate>>The street is quiet.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri" "blue">>“Sorry if that was a lot. He just bugs me.”<</line>> <<if _p is "quiet">> <<narrate>>You say, “Thank you.” It’s true, and it isn’t the whole thing.<</narrate>> <<elseif _p is "okay">> <<narrate>>She’s quiet for a block. Then she bumps your shoulder with hers.<</narrate>> <<elseif _p is "here">> <<line "Teri" "blue">>“‘I’m right here, you know.’ Iconic.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You both laugh.<</narrate>> <<elseif _p is "from">> <<line "Teri" "blue">>“I didn’t mean you’re not from there. I meant you’re from here too.”<</line>> <<narrate>>That’s closer.<</narrate>> <<else>> <<narrate>>She talks about the cake for a while. You let her.<</narrate>> <</if>> <<narrate>>Then the silence settles, and Teri sighs, happy and quiet.<</narrate>> <<line "Teri">>“So velmar.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You know exactly what it means: the feeling of walking home late with friends, when nobody needs to say anything. There is no word for it in your first language. Tonight it isn’t perfectly true, but it’s still the word you want.<</narrate>> <<learn "velmar" "walking home late with friends, when nobody needs to say anything">> <<proceed "Year 4" "Next year">>

<div class="interlude"> <p class="yearword">Senior</p> <p class="yearsub">Coming Home</p> <p>Winter break of your last year. You’re home in Ostra, and everyone speaks your first language, shown in plain English. You should understand every word. So should they.</p> <<proceed "H1" "Land">> </div>

<<card "H1" "The Airport">> <<line "Mom">>“Look at you! How was the flight? Are you hungry?”<</line>> <<speak 0>> <<bank "the, flight, was, long, so, I’m, starving, tired, hungry, I, missed, you, Mom, good" "hug her">> <<otherwise>>H1 Reply <</speak>>

<<said>> <<if setup.saidHas("hug her")>><<narrate>>She hugs you back, hard, and doesn’t let go right away.<</narrate>><</if>> <<reply "Mom">> <<to "missed">>I missed you too. So much. <<to "long" "tired">>Long flight, huh? You look tired. <<to "good">>Good. You look good. <<to "starving" "hungry">>Hungry? I made your favorite. <<toelse>>Look at you. Come on, let’s get you home. <</reply>> <<narrate>>For the first time in a long time, you don’t have to think about how to say anything.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H2" "A week later">>

<<card "H2" "The Gathering">> <<if $talked.grandma and $talked.uncle and $talked.cousin>> <<narrate>>You’ve talked to everyone. The evening is winding down.<</narrate>> <<elseif $talked.grandma or $talked.uncle or $talked.cousin>> <<narrate>>The party is still going. Someone has turned up the music.<</narrate>> <<else>> <<narrate>>A week later, the whole family comes over. The house is loud and warm and smells like everything you missed.<</narrate>> <<narrate>>Grandma has taken over the kitchen doorway. Your uncle has the remote. Your cousin and their friends have the couch.<</narrate>> <</if>> <<choose 0 "Who do you talk to?">> <<option "Grandma" "in the kitchen doorway" "grandma" `!$talked.grandma`>>HG1 <<option "Your uncle" "by the TV" "uncle" `!$talked.uncle`>>HU1 <<option "Your cousin and their friends" "on the couch" "cousin" `!$talked.cousin`>>HC1 <<option "Step away from everyone" "go to the kitchen" "leave">>H Walk Away <</choose>>

<<card "HG" "Grandma">> <<set $talked.grandma to true>> <<narrate>>She hands you a plate before you can say hello. It’s the dish you missed all through freshman year. It tastes like something again.<</narrate>> <<line "Grandma">>“Is it good? Is it like before?”<</line>> <<thought "plain">>It’s exactly like before.<</thought>> <<speak 0 "leave:H Walk Away">> <<bank "yes, it’s, exactly, like, before, so, good, Grandma" "smile">> <<otherwise>>HG2 <</speak>>

<<card "HG" "Grandma">> <<said>> <<line "Grandma">>“Good. You’re too thin.”<</line>> <<line "Grandma">>“And your friends there? What do you do together?”<</line>> <<thought "blue">>We walk home late, nobody has to talk, and it’s the most at home I’ve ever felt.<</thought>> <<speak 10 "leave:H Walk Away">> <<bank "we, walk, home, late, friends, quiet, nice, happy, together" "" "velmar">> <<when "velmar">>HG2 Velmar <<atleast 5>>HG2 Lot <<otherwise>>HG2 Little <</speak>>

<<said>> <<narrate>>Grandma tilts her head.<</narrate>> <<line "Grandma">>“Vel… what’s that?”<</line>> <<narrate>>You start to explain, and get as far as “It’s when…”<</narrate>> <<proceed "HG3" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Grandma">>“That’s nice.”<</line>> <<narrate>>It is not what you meant.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HG3" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Grandma">>“You have friends. Good.”<</line>> <<proceed "HG3" "Keep talking">>

<<card "HG" "Grandma">> <<set $uncleJab to true>> <<narrate>>Your uncle leans in from the hallway, grinning.<</narrate>> <<line "Uncle">>“Listen to @them! Four years over there and @theyre practically a foreigner.”<</line>> <<narrate>>A few people laugh. Grandma swats his arm.<</narrate>> <<line "Grandma">>“Leave @them alone.”<</line>> <<thought "blue">>I’m not a foreigner. I just have more words than I used to.<</thought>> <<choose 10 "What do you do?" "leave:H Walk Away">> <<option "Laugh it off" "" "laugh">>HG3 Laugh <<option "“I’m not a foreigner, Uncle.”" "" "push">>HG3 Push <<option "Turn back to Grandma" "" "turn">>HG3 Turn <<silence>>HG3 Silent <</choose>>

<<narrate>>He wanders off, pleased with himself.<</narrate>> <<include "HG End">>

<<line "Uncle">>“Okay, okay, Professor.”<</line>> <<narrate>>He holds up his hands and wanders off.<</narrate>> <<include "HG End">>

<<narrate>>You turn your back to him, just a little. Grandma notices, and smiles.<</narrate>> <<include "HG End">>

<<narrate>>He’s already gone, laughing at something else.<</narrate>> <<include "HG End">>

<<narrate>>Grandma pats your hand.<</narrate>> <<line "Grandma">>“You’ll find the words.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: I found them. They’re just not here.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H2" "Back to the party">>

<<card "HU" "Your Uncle">> <<set $talked.uncle to true>> <<narrate>>Your uncle mutes the TV, which means he wants something.<</narrate>> <<line "Uncle">>“So what do you actually do there? What’s a normal day?”<</line>> <<thought "blue">>I have seminar at nine, office hours with my advisor, and my thesis draft is due Friday.<</thought>> <<speak 10 "leave:H Walk Away">> <<bank "I, have, class, morning, teacher, talk, write, big, paper, Friday, busy, then, with, my" "" "seminar=korsel, advisor=mentra, office hours=ofisora, thesis=tesk, deadline=dedli">> <<velen>>HU1 Velen <<atleast 6>>HU1 Lot <<atleast 1>>HU1 Little <<silence>>HU1 Nothing <</speak>>

<<said>> <<narrate>>He squints at you.<</narrate>> <<line "Uncle">>“Korsel? Ofi-what?”<</line>> <<narrate>>He laughs, half proud, half lost.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HU2" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Uncle">>“Sounds hard.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: Close. But it sounds like a smaller life than the one I have.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HU2" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Uncle">>“Like high school!”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: Well, it’s not quite like high school. Very different, actually.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HU2" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Uncle">>“Busy, huh? Too busy to call your mother!”<</line>> <<narrate>>He laughs at his own joke.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HU2" "Keep talking">>

<<card "HU" "Your Uncle">> <<line "Uncle">>“And after? What are you going to do with all that?”<</line>> <<thought "blue">>My advisor wants me to stay for the research program. Two more years. I haven’t told Mom.<</thought>> <<speak 10 "leave:H Walk Away">> <<bank "I, want, to, stay, maybe, two, more, years, there, work, come, home, don’t, know" "" "advisor=mentra, research=orsak">> <<negated "stay">>HU2 Home <<negated "come" "home">>HU2 NoHome <<when "stay">>HU2 Stay <<when "come" "home">>HU2 Home <<otherwise>>HU2 Vague <</speak>>

<<said>> <<narrate>>He glances toward the kitchen, then back at you.<</narrate>> <<line "Uncle">>“Stay? Does your mother know that?”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: Not yet.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HU3" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Uncle">>“Good! Come home, get a real job.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: I don’t know if I meant it.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HU3" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Uncle">>“Not coming home? Does your mother know that?”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: Not yet.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HU3" "Keep talking">>

<<said>> <<line "Uncle">>“Well. Figure it out before your mother asks.”<</line>> <<proceed "HU3" "Keep talking">>

<<card "HU" "Your Uncle">> <<set $uncleJab to true>> <<line "Uncle">>“You know what? You sound foreign now. Your accent’s gone all funny.”<</line>> <<thought "blue">>I don’t sound foreign. I sound like who I am now.<</thought>> <<speak 10 "leave:H Walk Away">> <<bank "I, sound, like, me, ha, yeah, I know, no" "laugh it off" "no=nem">> <<when "nem">>HU3 Nem <<when "laugh it off">>HU3 Laugh <<silence>>HU3 Silent <<otherwise>>HU3 Other <</speak>>

<<said>> <<line "Uncle">>“See? You just did it again!”<</line>> <<narrate>>He laughs loud enough for the whole room to hear.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H2" "Back to the party">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>“Ha, yeah, I know.” He unmutes the TV.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H2" "Back to the party">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>He shrugs and unmutes the TV.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H2" "Back to the party">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>He raises an eyebrow and unmutes the TV.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H2" "Back to the party">>

<<card "HC" "Your Cousin">> <<set $talked.cousin to true>> <<narrate>>You squeeze onto the couch. One of your cousin’s friends tells a story with their hands, and everyone explodes laughing.<</narrate>> <<line "Everyone">>“That’s so <b>glint</b>!”<</line>> <<narrate>>It’s a word you’ve never heard. It caught on while you were gone.<</narrate>> <<thought "blue">>I have no idea what’s funny, but I want to be laughing with them.<</thought>> <<speak 10 "leave:H Walk Away">> <<bank "what’s, glint, so, ha, yeah, that’s, funny" "laugh">> <<when "what's">>HC1 Ask <<when "laugh">>HC1 Laugh <<silence>>HC1 Silent <<otherwise>>HC1 Try <</speak>>

<<said>> <<line "Cousin">>“Oh my god. You’ve been gone way too long.”<</line>> <<narrate>>Everyone laughs.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HC2" "Stay on the couch">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>Nobody notices. You laugh a second too long.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HC2" "Stay on the couch">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>A pause.<</narrate>> <<line "Cousin">>“…Nobody says it like that.”<</line>> <<proceed "HC2" "Stay on the couch">>

<<said>> <<narrate>>The laughter fades. The conversation moves on without you.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HC2" "Stay on the couch">>

<<card "HC" "Your Cousin">> <<narrate>>Later, the friends drift to their phones. Your cousin pulls their knees up and looks at you.<</narrate>> <<line "Cousin">>“Do you even like coming back?”<</line>> <<choose 10 "What do you say?" "leave:H Walk Away">> <<option "“Of course I do.”" "" "course">>HC2 Course <<option "“It’s… different now.”" "" "different">>HC2 Different <<option "“Do you ever think about leaving?”" "" "ask">>HC2 Ask <<silence>>HC2 Silent <</choose>>

<<line "Cousin">>“Okay.”<</line>> <<narrate>>They don’t sound convinced.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HC3" "Keep talking">>

<<narrate>>Your cousin nods slowly.<</narrate>> <<line "Cousin">>“Yeah. You’re different now.”<</line>> <<narrate>>It isn’t an insult. It isn’t quite a compliment.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HC3" "Keep talking">>

<<narrate>>Your cousin laughs, then doesn’t.<</narrate>> <<line "Cousin">>“Sometimes.”<</line>> <<proceed "HC3" "Keep talking">>

<<narrate>>Your cousin waits, then goes back to their phone.<</narrate>> <<proceed "HC3" "Keep talking">>

<<card "HC" "Your Cousin">> <<set $uncleJab to true>> <<narrate>>Your uncle walks past with a plate.<</narrate>> <<line "Uncle">>“Careful, kid. Your cousin sounds like a foreigner now. Next thing you know, you’ll need a translator.”<</line>> <<narrate>>Your cousin rolls their eyes.<</narrate>> <<line "Cousin">>“He says that every year about someone.”<</line>> <<narrate>>You think: This year it’s me.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H2" "Back to the party">>

<<narrate>>You set your plate down and slip out of the room.<</narrate>> <<if $uncleJab>> <<line "Uncle" "faded">>“Leaving already? Too foreign for us now?”<</line>> <<else>> <<line "Uncle" "faded">>“Where are you going? You’ve gotten so foreign, you can’t sit with your own family?”<</line>> <</if>> <<set $uncleJab to true>> <<narrate>>Laughter behind you. The kitchen is quiet. Someone left the light on.<</narrate>> <<proceed "H5" "Go to the kitchen">>

<<card "H5" "The Kitchen">> <<narrate>>Later, after everyone has gone home, Mom is drying dishes. She asks without looking up:<</narrate>> <<line "Mom">>“Are you happy there?”<</line>> <<line "You" "still">>…<</line>> <<pause 3>> <<speak 10>> <<bank "yes, no, I, am, I’m, happy, here, there, both, and, but, not, sometimes, really, maybe, I don’t know, I think so, miss, you, home, it’s, hard, belong, anymore, Mom, ?, !, …" "">> <<otherwise>>H-End <</speak>>

<<said>> <<finale "The End">>

<div class="endtitle"> <h1>What I Meant to Say</h1> <span class="again"><<link "Play again">><<run Engine.restart()>><</link>></span> </div>